I Shall Believe

What a beautiful day.

I got to hang out with my two best friends today. I'm really glad I got to spend some time with them today, even if it was only for a couple of hours. I forget sometimes that I came from a whole different kind of family before I got to Irvine and I loved that family dearly. It's nice to have them bring me back to those great memories and just be able to laugh about old and dumb stuff. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like I get caught up in my new lifestyle, but I spend a lot of time thinking about what used to be and I get nostalgic. It's good to know that we can still get together after all the time spent away from each other and have fun :)

It actually rained for like five minutes with the sun shining bright through the clouds.
It was a beautiful sight.
Maybe Nature is telling me that I should just take the good with the bad.. Rain with the shine.. Sweet with the sour :P

Such a great day to start off my nineteenth year :)

ASIAN. OUT.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Vienna

I'm doing my best to try to blog everyday. Two days in a row! Whoo hoo! :P

A friend asked me today what I'm going to do with my last day as an eighteen year old and I honestly didn't realize that the eighteenth year of my life is now over.

Every birthday comes as a kind of surprise to me. I never really feel much different, but I do remember what I used to think when I was younger. I remember thinking how far off eighteen seemed. I wondered how I was going to look, who I would still be friends with, if I would have the perfect boyfriend by my side, and how well I'd be doing in school. I'd look over the sink in the bathroom on my tippy toes and examine my pudgy little face, goofy smile, bushy eyebrows, and plain straight hair and think, "I can't wait to grow up."

And now as I stand in front of the bathroom sink (no tippy toes required), I don't see the same little girl I used to be. I'm what people would consider a "young woman." But the way that young woman in the mirror looks back at me reminds me of all the dreams that little girl had and how they've actually played out. I'm content with the way I look for the most part. I'm happy with who I am friends with.. I don't have a boyfriend by my side, but I'm realizing that's not something I need right now. And as for school, well.. I'm working on that :)

But most surprisingly, I find that as I look in the mirror.. I'm thinking, "I don't want to grow up."

Growing up means more responsibilities. More work, less play. More complicated situations. Seeing the people I love leave. Making decisions that will eventually hurt others.

Growing up is a big pain.. I don't know why I was in such a rush back then.

To reiterate some ideas from the past blog entries, this year of my life is about rebuilding, refining, and finding bits and pieces of myself. I'm defining and reinforcing my morals and beliefs. But I've got to remember that it's a slow process.. I've got to take things slowly and enjoy the little things around me like good friends and chocolate.

Here's to nineteen. Let's hope it's a year to remember :)


ASIAN. OUT.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Cat & Mouse

I turn NINETEEN in two days! :)

Thanks for a great day at the beach yesterday! I really appreciate it.. especially since I wasn't planning on doing anything for my birthday. Glad everyone got to get together for a little while and hang out :)

I'm blogging before I start studying because I'm probably not going to have much time to do anything these next five weeks :( If I want a better grade for my class I've got to work really hard this time around.

In other news, I'm kind of disappointed about a couple things right now. Mainly in a couple people and in myself as well. I guess it's because I've had this vision of what my relationships were going to be with certain people and it just didn't turn out the way I wanted it too partly because of my lack of effort. I'm losing touch with people I care about, but sometimes it's hard to put effort in when the other end doesn't seem to care quite as much. But we'll see if those relationships last past this summer. I truly hope they will.

Again.. switching topics. I'm not sure if all these butterflies and cheesy smiles are worth it.. Some days it seems like the smiles, laughing, and playfulness all mean something. Other days it goes in the opposite direction.

So with all these complications, I keep focusing on school, work, family, and friends. A relationship is not what I'm looking for. I've got my eyes on an academic goal this year.

Can't say I don't enjoy the occasional butterflies and gushy smiles :)

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:



ASIAN. OUT.

Falling in Love at the Coffee Shop

Happy Birthday to Hazel! Hope it was a good one grrrrrrlll <33

So I was stressing myself out at the beginning of this week, but I feel much better now.
Getting all my healthcare stuff out of the way before I turn 19. Such a hassle.. and expensive as well, but at least I know I'm healthy :)

I'm heading off to bed early today.. so P90x time, shower, then bed.

Drum major code :P
FULL ROUNDHOUSE x2: Late night texting makes my heart smile :)


CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:



Oh Sean.. Thanks for the song! You know me all too well :D


ASIAN. OUT.

Signs

Nothing in my life ever goes as planned.

Last night's simple 8pm plan to pick up my little brother from the beach turned into a trip to visit a friend at the the hospital and cramming six people into my car. It ended with a passed out high schooler in a drive way around 11pm.

Never a dull moment in the life of Christina :P

Don't worry everyone is fine :)

P90X Time D:

ASIAN. OUT.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Reboot & Skinny Love

I have a bad habit of not backing up my files.. :(

So when my computer crashes (shut up you Mac assholes.. namely Justin Ho), I've just got to deal with all the files I've lost. Fortunately, I backed up all of my pictures two days ago so at least those are safe. My essays and college documents weren't so lucky, but that's life. I have to be more responsible about certain things.

I'm just frustrated with having to start all over again. Everything was in order and I was accustomed to all of it and now I have to start again from scratch... Super lame.

Speaking of starting from scratch.. this whole summer was supposed to be about rebuilding myself (essentially a reboot), but it's not going as smoothly as I hoped it would. It's hard work to break certain habits and start new ones. I'm struggling.
I have an idea of who I want to be and I've been so focused on it.. I've forgotten to take a break and just be a peace with who I am right now. I'm not quite happy with who I am or with my recent decisions and behavior, but I certainly need to take a break and figure out what traits and characteristics I truly enjoy about myself (sounds like I have a case of narcissism, but I don't.. I swear D:) It's kind of mentally draining to constantly think about the person that I want to be and all the reasons why I'm not that person yet.

I'm going to approach it like a work out program:
Growth, Adaptation, Recovery.. Growth, Adaptation, Recovery,.. etc. etc.

Baby steps..

As for other aspects of my life, I'm certainly confused as to what my real feelings are for certain people. My heart never lies to me, but my mind gets in the way and throws everything off. I over think. I over analyze. I trick myself.
The butterflies won't stop though.
I'm not ready to admit it to him though.

In time, I'll be ready. I'll be brave and gather my courage.

No power in the 'Verse can stop me in that moment :)

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:


ASIAN. OUT.

Resistance

I'm resisting.
I'm on the verge of something beautiful and I'm resisting it.

It's much too complicated to deal with.
So I'm leaving it as it is.
I'm shifting focus.

That's the way it should be.. Anything other than that will cause a chain of reactions that I desperately want to avoid.



Summer Glau is awesome :)


More later.. It's too hot to do anything D:


ASIAN. OUT.