Italy Nights

There was this moment back in Italy.

Our group went to the Trevi Fountain around evening time. It was like a dream.
I'd only seen pictures and videos of it before and it was there and real, right in front of my eyes.

I stood in front of the fountain with my coin, closed my eyes, made a wish, and threw my coin.
When I opened my eyes, I saw and felt so many things.

The sky was so beautiful. The fountain glowed. The air was crisp and cool.. refreshing.. like taking a breath of air after being underwater.
It was like a dream.

And in that moment, I didn't want to leave.
It was one of the longest, most beautiful moments in my life.

I feel like I move so quickly through my thoughts and life that I forget and pass up experiences like these.

I'd like more moments like that :)

ASIAN. OUT.


CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

My Skin

All of us wear masks. They can be worn out of love and the desire to remain close to those around us. To spare them from the complicated realities of our frayed psyches. We trade honesty for companionship and in the process never truly know the hearts closest to us.

New idea for the day. Something I've been thinking about for a little while now.
I understand the need to put on a mask around those you love. Others around me do this like my parents, my siblings, and even my closest friends.. and I'm certain that it's more for protection than for pure dishonesty and betrayal. I put on that mask quite often myself when I'm hurt or angry. I hold back things I really want to say and do things for the sake of protecting others and I think that exudes a different person than who I really am.

And this is something I think many people relate to.. but maybe if everyone stopped trying to protect each other from what they think is evil within themselves, love wouldn't be so hard to find, to keep, and to last. It's the lies we tell, the secrets we keep , and insecurities within ourselves that keep those masks on. People around me are concerned about the image they give off, the things they should say, the actions they should make and in the process, they lose bits and pieces of who they really are deep down inside in order to what? Please and protect those around them or what the perceive as protection so that others will approve because being themselves isn't good enough. If we took those masks off and found someone in the sea of millions who we are so perfectly in sync with (mind, body, and soul).. maybe we'd find that being ourselves is nothing to fear. We can't achieve that if we refuse to let go of those masks.

But fear surrounds us. It's a risk to reveal ourselves. We're human.. when we get hurt, it's painful.. we retreat to gather composure again and sometimes the pain is just too much to ever try again. I'm jealous of those who have conquered this fear. When they look in the mirror.. they don't see a stranger.. they see who they truly are and they can experience a wide spectrum of emotions freely.

I'm working on stripping myself of my mask. I'd really like to see the true face of others as well. I want to love, but I want to truly love. Savy? :P

Just some things I've been thinking about. Sorry if my logic is flawed and all over the place. Sometimes I wish I was a robot.. like a terminator :P

I'd understand what I'd need to and not have to emote any feelings. Being human is a lot of work :)

Off to bed. Goodnight.

ASIAN. OUT.


CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

We Change, We Wait

I'm back.

School is finally over and thus ends my freshman year of college. There have been so many ups and downs this past year, but I'm glad that I've met the people that I have. 201 Sac.. You guys are my family. Thank you for always being there for me whether I was sad or happy or just plain crazy. Without you guys as my moral support, I would be nothing but a pile of pathetic and miserable body matter. You guys don't even know how much your friendship and love have gotten me through some of the toughest moments this year. So I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait for the memories we will continue to make throughout our lives :)

Overall, my academics were much better than last quarter with the exception of my chemistry grade. Everything else was actually pretty good, so I'm satisfied with that. Unfortunately, summer school awaits me this August, but hey, that's what I get for not trying hard enough to understand the material.


So, on another note, today was an okay day. But everyday has been an okay day for me so far.
Except today, I feel very much alone. It's as if everyone I knew back home just decided to pack up and leave on a trip and left me running for the bus with dust clouds all around me. It's probably my fault. I let go of the person that had me connected to that world and now I don't feel quite at home with everyone. I feel the awkwardness in the hugs. I notice the stares. I tried to deny it, but it was so clear when I put myself out there. I want so desperately to feel at ease when I sit in that group of friends who, not so long ago, I laughed and joked with comfortably.

But it won't happen.. at least not for a long while.

So here I am. 10pm on a Wednesday night feeling alone, lost, and slightly hopeless. I've felt this mix of feelings several nights before, more often in the past month than any other time in my life. And now, I've finally had time to think about that decision I made a little over a month now.

I've accepted it as the best choice.
I've thought about it.
I've cried my tears.
I've doubted it.
I've regretted it.
And then I've accepted it again.

On goes the cycle..

I keep writing these letters and they never get sent, but they all have the same message:
I'm sorry. You deserve better.

But at least you have a great support group around you. That I'm happy for, even if I have to sacrifice what I had with them and accept the awkwardness. If I have to spend my whole summer under a rock I will. That's all it feels like now anyways. Enjoy your summer. You deserve it without me having to come into your life and making things awkward because let's just admit it. It is.
I just wish I could talk to someone like I used to with you. But there's no one quite like you.

I've changed. And now I'm just waiting for that next big dip in this rollercoaster I'm on.

Currently listening to:


Asian. Out.