Letter To Me

Seasons Greetings everyone!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas (or whichever form of the holiday that you happen to celebrate)!
My Christmas Eve was pretty good. I always bake too many things.. There’s leftovers by the buttloads at my house right now. Cookies-galore. Feel free to stop by and have some :P
Other than the over baking, it was an awesome get together with the family. The little ones really made it fun.. Makes me wonder how much fun it was for the parents when my cousins and I were all younger. We must’ve been a handful.

On Christmas Day, some of us went to Rose Hills to visit my grandpa. My mom already decorated his grave with Christmas things the week before so that was a nice surprise to see upon arriving. I haven’t been there for awhile so I’m glad I got to go. I can’t believe it’s been three years since he’s been gone. Time really passes by. I wish he could see how much all of us have grown. I think he’d like how close we’ve all gotten and how much we’ve all changed and matured. I still miss him a lot. I swear I heard his voice the other day, but it was just the TV. It still made me smile a little bit knowing I can still recognize his voice sort of.. I was afraid I’d forget one of these days.

Anyways, I’m rambling.

Now I’m going to rant :)

I’ve been noticing that the people around me are just speeding by me on that ‘road of life.’ It’s like I’m in the slow lane and they're all in the fast lane going waayy past the speed limit. People are getting married. Others already started their own businesses or are widely recognized. It makes me wonder if I should stop messing around and start working harder to catch up. Is it me? Am I just moving really slow or are the others just moving too fast? I get jealous that these people, my friends, have all these amazing titles and have a definite direction in their life. I suppose it’s different for each person though. Some people just have some good work ethic and habits. It gets them far in life fast. For that, I’m jealous because I don’t have enough drive for that kind of thing.. yet (I’m hoping).

Here’s what I think about my life though. I think I like being my age. I’m a 19 year old college student. I like to party, study minimally enough to pass my classes, stay up late, and not have too many responsibilities. I figure I’ve got about another year before I should start acting slightly older than I really am. Older people often tell me to enjoy my youth to the fullest, but society contradicts this by sending me messages about how hard I have to work for a good future (so hard that I can’t enjoy being young). There’s probably some balance in between the two that I’ve yet to discover and master.
Right now, while I’m in the process of figuring that out, I think I’ll enjoy the perks that come with being a 19 year old college student. I don’t ever want to look back and regret not living my life to the fullest while I was young and had the energy to. So I’ll take what I can. I’ll party hard, laugh, love, and when the time comes, I’ll settle down and work. I’m optimistic about my future and I believe that I can take time to smell the roses and still get where I want to go.. even if I’m a little slow. The journey is where the story really is.. I’m in no rush to get to the end and hang there for the rest of my life.

Well I should go to bed now.
It’s pretty late, but there’s still one person on my mind.. Not sure how I let him get to me like this, but I don’t think I’ll complain :)

Goodnight!

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

ASIAN. OUT.

Already Gone

Windows 7 is sweet.

I’m updating my blog from my desktop.  I never even have to sign in to blog!  This is awesome! :)

Well, I hope everyone is having a great break so far!  I had a couple of run ins with my dear friend, awkwardness, but I’m starting to accept it as a regular thing when I get with old friends (although I don’t think I should be accepting something like that..)  That’s just the beauty of life I suppose.  Things can’t always feel perfectly in place.  How boring would that be.  These are the life lessons I need to learn.  Heartbreaks, break-ups, the consequences that follow, they all have something to offer.  It’s character building at the very least.

All I have to say (rant-alert)..

Hearts eventually mend, some take longer than others.  It’s definitely not fair that things work out like that.  Feelings fade while others grow stronger.  Why does it happen so many times in one lifetime? I find that it’s a learning process that teaches both people much needed things about themselves, each other, and love. 
Love isn’t easy.  It’s easy to feel light-headed, get butterflies, smile at the thought of this other person, and ultimately fall.  It’s not something you have to work at.  Falling in love is simple, but being in love and staying in love.. that’s hard to maintain.  We are always changing in both subtle and obvious ways.  Our dreams change and goals shift.  We acquire different tastes, change our priorities, and find that we are not the same as we once were just years ago.  This is where love finds that fork in the road.  Which road do you take?  Do you embark on your own journey or share one with the one you love?  There are plenty more forks after that first one and sometimes it doesn’t work out.  There’s no use turning back when you’ve gone this far though.  There’s only the road ahead and plenty of paths to take on your own before it crosses with another person.  Then it repeats itself with the hope that this time with all the knowledge and wisdom of the past, it’ll work out and you’ll never have to journey alone again. 

Once in awhile though, people find the right person and it’s not so hard.  I call these people soul mates (oh yes, they exist :P). 

::End Rant::

I’ve been thinking a lot about these things.  I guess with all these get togethers with friends, it just forces me to think on the topic a bit more.  I’m no expert on love, but that’s all I can gather from my experiences.

I’m hoping this new path I’m taking works out.. I like where it’s going :)

Goodnight and Happy Holidays Everyone!

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

ASIAN. OUT.

Little Moments

Alas, finals are over and another quarter of my college chapter is over.

What a beautiful and stressful period of my life. I have to say I'm not completely proud of all of my choices and the way I've prioritized things, but if I had the opportunity to go back and change anything, I wouldn't.. Mostly because I had a lot of fun despite my downward spiral on the academic side of things, but all I can do now is pick up those broken pieces to fix that aspect of my future. I've got a lot to do this next quarter.

I think the best thing I've learned in these past couple of months is that sometimes you just have to jump into situations and let go of whatever fear you have that's holding you back. Trust me though, it's hard to do. I spent all of last year stressing and making excuses just so I could avoid doing all those things that I was afraid to do. So, I just jumped.. and damn it was a good fall. I feel more connected to people I didn't make time for last year and closer to those I've wanted to be connected to.
But with all those great things there are consequences as well. Firstly, I've slipped academically. It doesn't bother me as much as it should though. The thing is I know I can do well because I've proved to myself that I could.. for the first couple of weeks. I think others can relate. School is a marathon and I'm only good at sprinting. That's definitely got to change. Secondly, there are people I know I've hurt these past couple of weeks and I've just put it in the back of my mind because it easier not to think about it. It's not enough, but I'm sorry to those that I've neglected, hurt, or annoyed. I haven't exactly been mindful of my actions. They've been selfish regardless of whether or not you can understand why. I'm no good at these kinds of confrontational things, but I'm going to try to fix things.

Despite all the ups and downs this quarter, I'm happy and I have several people to thank for that (late Thanksgiving notes).

• My roommates first and formost because they are simply amazing. They put up with my crap and I love them. We laugh and bitch together and it's awesome.. So thanks gals :)
• My friends (old and new). You all know who you are. I'm lucky to have the friends that I do.. quite frankly I don't think I even deserve friends at all :P If I didn't have you guys, I don't know where I'd be right now.. probably crying in a corner.. Most likely.
• Cheerleader. I think you'll only get this reference.. if you read this at all. But yeah, I'm lucky. You're awesome. You make me smile. You know that. Thanks for choosing me :)
• Lastly, my family.. enough said.. They're my family and I love them to death. They make my life so much better after a crappy ass day. <3

And that pretty much wraps up this late night blurb. Thanks for reading :)

Goodnight!

ASIAN. OUT.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

The Blower's Daughter

I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now.


I hate it, but I love it.


CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:



ASIAN. OUT.

Fields Of Gold

Growing up just keeps getting better.

I don't want to keep seeing people leave.
Mrs. Lanni passed away recently. She was such a beautiful, kind, and supportive woman. I'm sad that I didin't get to tell her how much she's helped me these past 5 years. Some performances I would leave the "L" feeling like shit only to have her approach me and tell me what a wonderful job I did and how much she enjoyed watching it. People don't know how much little gestures can get someone through an entire day.

RIP Mrs. Lanni.. you will be greatly missed by all of us.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Delicate

What a great weekend!
The Halloween party was amazing and I had sooo much fun. Thank you for everyone who made the night impossibly great! :)

The day after was just as great. I am so proud of my student. I've been having doubts about why I teach. With all the stuff going on at school, I felt like I should be focusing more on that, but watching him perform down that street made me remember why I do it. He works really hard to accomplish what he does and it makes me so proud when I see all of it pay off in that moment. So congratulations to him for doing such a great job and making me love coaching all over again :)

In other news.. El sigh.

It seems to me, that my happiness almost always results in someone's pain. And when I realize that, I'm not very happy anymore. It's guilt and anger. I just want to be happy without hurting anyone, but like I said.. for every ounce of happiness I experience, there are more consequences waiting down the road for me to face. I'm starting to think being happy is just not worth it.

I can't help what I feel and what I don't feel though.


Alright.. OCHEM TIME.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:


ASIAN. OUT.

Breathe

Help.

Currently Listening To:


ASIAN. OUT.