Happy Birthday to Hazel! Hope it was a good one grrrrrrlll <33
So I was stressing myself out at the beginning of this week, but I feel much better now.
Getting all my healthcare stuff out of the way before I turn 19. Such a hassle.. and expensive as well, but at least I know I'm healthy :)
I'm heading off to bed early today.. so P90x time, shower, then bed.
Drum major code :P
FULL ROUNDHOUSE x2: Late night texting makes my heart smile :)
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Oh Sean.. Thanks for the song! You know me all too well :D
ASIAN. OUT.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Signs
Nothing in my life ever goes as planned.
Last night's simple 8pm plan to pick up my little brother from the beach turned into a trip to visit a friend at the the hospital and cramming six people into my car. It ended with a passed out high schooler in a drive way around 11pm.
Never a dull moment in the life of Christina :P
Don't worry everyone is fine :)
P90X Time D:
ASIAN. OUT.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Last night's simple 8pm plan to pick up my little brother from the beach turned into a trip to visit a friend at the the hospital and cramming six people into my car. It ended with a passed out high schooler in a drive way around 11pm.
Never a dull moment in the life of Christina :P
Don't worry everyone is fine :)
P90X Time D:
ASIAN. OUT.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Friday, July 24, 2009
Reboot & Skinny Love
I have a bad habit of not backing up my files.. :(
So when my computer crashes (shut up you Mac assholes.. namely Justin Ho), I've just got to deal with all the files I've lost. Fortunately, I backed up all of my pictures two days ago so at least those are safe. My essays and college documents weren't so lucky, but that's life. I have to be more responsible about certain things.
I'm just frustrated with having to start all over again. Everything was in order and I was accustomed to all of it and now I have to start again from scratch... Super lame.
Speaking of starting from scratch.. this whole summer was supposed to be about rebuilding myself (essentially a reboot), but it's not going as smoothly as I hoped it would. It's hard work to break certain habits and start new ones. I'm struggling.
I have an idea of who I want to be and I've been so focused on it.. I've forgotten to take a break and just be a peace with who I am right now. I'm not quite happy with who I am or with my recent decisions and behavior, but I certainly need to take a break and figure out what traits and characteristics I truly enjoy about myself (sounds like I have a case of narcissism, but I don't.. I swear D:) It's kind of mentally draining to constantly think about the person that I want to be and all the reasons why I'm not that person yet.
I'm going to approach it like a work out program:
Growth, Adaptation, Recovery.. Growth, Adaptation, Recovery,.. etc. etc.
Baby steps..
As for other aspects of my life, I'm certainly confused as to what my real feelings are for certain people. My heart never lies to me, but my mind gets in the way and throws everything off. I over think. I over analyze. I trick myself.
The butterflies won't stop though.
I'm not ready to admit it to him though.
In time, I'll be ready. I'll be brave and gather my courage.
No power in the 'Verse can stop me in that moment :)
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
ASIAN. OUT.
So when my computer crashes (shut up you Mac assholes.. namely Justin Ho), I've just got to deal with all the files I've lost. Fortunately, I backed up all of my pictures two days ago so at least those are safe. My essays and college documents weren't so lucky, but that's life. I have to be more responsible about certain things.
I'm just frustrated with having to start all over again. Everything was in order and I was accustomed to all of it and now I have to start again from scratch... Super lame.
Speaking of starting from scratch.. this whole summer was supposed to be about rebuilding myself (essentially a reboot), but it's not going as smoothly as I hoped it would. It's hard work to break certain habits and start new ones. I'm struggling.
I have an idea of who I want to be and I've been so focused on it.. I've forgotten to take a break and just be a peace with who I am right now. I'm not quite happy with who I am or with my recent decisions and behavior, but I certainly need to take a break and figure out what traits and characteristics I truly enjoy about myself (sounds like I have a case of narcissism, but I don't.. I swear D:) It's kind of mentally draining to constantly think about the person that I want to be and all the reasons why I'm not that person yet.
I'm going to approach it like a work out program:
Growth, Adaptation, Recovery.. Growth, Adaptation, Recovery,.. etc. etc.
Baby steps..
As for other aspects of my life, I'm certainly confused as to what my real feelings are for certain people. My heart never lies to me, but my mind gets in the way and throws everything off. I over think. I over analyze. I trick myself.
The butterflies won't stop though.
I'm not ready to admit it to him though.
In time, I'll be ready. I'll be brave and gather my courage.
No power in the 'Verse can stop me in that moment :)
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
ASIAN. OUT.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Resistance
I'm resisting.
I'm on the verge of something beautiful and I'm resisting it.
It's much too complicated to deal with.
So I'm leaving it as it is.
I'm shifting focus.
That's the way it should be.. Anything other than that will cause a chain of reactions that I desperately want to avoid.
Summer Glau is awesome :)
More later.. It's too hot to do anything D:
ASIAN. OUT.
I'm on the verge of something beautiful and I'm resisting it.
It's much too complicated to deal with.
So I'm leaving it as it is.
I'm shifting focus.
That's the way it should be.. Anything other than that will cause a chain of reactions that I desperately want to avoid.
Summer Glau is awesome :)
More later.. It's too hot to do anything D:
ASIAN. OUT.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Italy Nights
There was this moment back in Italy.
Our group went to the Trevi Fountain around evening time. It was like a dream.
I'd only seen pictures and videos of it before and it was there and real, right in front of my eyes.
I stood in front of the fountain with my coin, closed my eyes, made a wish, and threw my coin.
When I opened my eyes, I saw and felt so many things.
The sky was so beautiful. The fountain glowed. The air was crisp and cool.. refreshing.. like taking a breath of air after being underwater.
It was like a dream.
And in that moment, I didn't want to leave.
It was one of the longest, most beautiful moments in my life.
I feel like I move so quickly through my thoughts and life that I forget and pass up experiences like these.
I'd like more moments like that :)
ASIAN. OUT.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Our group went to the Trevi Fountain around evening time. It was like a dream.
I'd only seen pictures and videos of it before and it was there and real, right in front of my eyes.
I stood in front of the fountain with my coin, closed my eyes, made a wish, and threw my coin.
When I opened my eyes, I saw and felt so many things.
The sky was so beautiful. The fountain glowed. The air was crisp and cool.. refreshing.. like taking a breath of air after being underwater.
It was like a dream.
And in that moment, I didn't want to leave.
It was one of the longest, most beautiful moments in my life.
I feel like I move so quickly through my thoughts and life that I forget and pass up experiences like these.
I'd like more moments like that :)
ASIAN. OUT.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Sunday, June 28, 2009
My Skin
All of us wear masks. They can be worn out of love and the desire to remain close to those around us. To spare them from the complicated realities of our frayed psyches. We trade honesty for companionship and in the process never truly know the hearts closest to us.
New idea for the day. Something I've been thinking about for a little while now.
I understand the need to put on a mask around those you love. Others around me do this like my parents, my siblings, and even my closest friends.. and I'm certain that it's more for protection than for pure dishonesty and betrayal. I put on that mask quite often myself when I'm hurt or angry. I hold back things I really want to say and do things for the sake of protecting others and I think that exudes a different person than who I really am.
And this is something I think many people relate to.. but maybe if everyone stopped trying to protect each other from what they think is evil within themselves, love wouldn't be so hard to find, to keep, and to last. It's the lies we tell, the secrets we keep , and insecurities within ourselves that keep those masks on. People around me are concerned about the image they give off, the things they should say, the actions they should make and in the process, they lose bits and pieces of who they really are deep down inside in order to what? Please and protect those around them or what the perceive as protection so that others will approve because being themselves isn't good enough. If we took those masks off and found someone in the sea of millions who we are so perfectly in sync with (mind, body, and soul).. maybe we'd find that being ourselves is nothing to fear. We can't achieve that if we refuse to let go of those masks.
But fear surrounds us. It's a risk to reveal ourselves. We're human.. when we get hurt, it's painful.. we retreat to gather composure again and sometimes the pain is just too much to ever try again. I'm jealous of those who have conquered this fear. When they look in the mirror.. they don't see a stranger.. they see who they truly are and they can experience a wide spectrum of emotions freely.
I'm working on stripping myself of my mask. I'd really like to see the true face of others as well. I want to love, but I want to truly love. Savy? :P
Just some things I've been thinking about. Sorry if my logic is flawed and all over the place. Sometimes I wish I was a robot.. like a terminator :P
I'd understand what I'd need to and not have to emote any feelings. Being human is a lot of work :)
Off to bed. Goodnight.
ASIAN. OUT.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
New idea for the day. Something I've been thinking about for a little while now.
I understand the need to put on a mask around those you love. Others around me do this like my parents, my siblings, and even my closest friends.. and I'm certain that it's more for protection than for pure dishonesty and betrayal. I put on that mask quite often myself when I'm hurt or angry. I hold back things I really want to say and do things for the sake of protecting others and I think that exudes a different person than who I really am.
And this is something I think many people relate to.. but maybe if everyone stopped trying to protect each other from what they think is evil within themselves, love wouldn't be so hard to find, to keep, and to last. It's the lies we tell, the secrets we keep , and insecurities within ourselves that keep those masks on. People around me are concerned about the image they give off, the things they should say, the actions they should make and in the process, they lose bits and pieces of who they really are deep down inside in order to what? Please and protect those around them or what the perceive as protection so that others will approve because being themselves isn't good enough. If we took those masks off and found someone in the sea of millions who we are so perfectly in sync with (mind, body, and soul).. maybe we'd find that being ourselves is nothing to fear. We can't achieve that if we refuse to let go of those masks.
But fear surrounds us. It's a risk to reveal ourselves. We're human.. when we get hurt, it's painful.. we retreat to gather composure again and sometimes the pain is just too much to ever try again. I'm jealous of those who have conquered this fear. When they look in the mirror.. they don't see a stranger.. they see who they truly are and they can experience a wide spectrum of emotions freely.
I'm working on stripping myself of my mask. I'd really like to see the true face of others as well. I want to love, but I want to truly love. Savy? :P
Just some things I've been thinking about. Sorry if my logic is flawed and all over the place. Sometimes I wish I was a robot.. like a terminator :P
I'd understand what I'd need to and not have to emote any feelings. Being human is a lot of work :)
Off to bed. Goodnight.
ASIAN. OUT.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
We Change, We Wait
I'm back.
School is finally over and thus ends my freshman year of college. There have been so many ups and downs this past year, but I'm glad that I've met the people that I have. 201 Sac.. You guys are my family. Thank you for always being there for me whether I was sad or happy or just plain crazy. Without you guys as my moral support, I would be nothing but a pile of pathetic and miserable body matter. You guys don't even know how much your friendship and love have gotten me through some of the toughest moments this year. So I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait for the memories we will continue to make throughout our lives :)
Overall, my academics were much better than last quarter with the exception of my chemistry grade. Everything else was actually pretty good, so I'm satisfied with that. Unfortunately, summer school awaits me this August, but hey, that's what I get for not trying hard enough to understand the material.
So, on another note, today was an okay day. But everyday has been an okay day for me so far.
Except today, I feel very much alone. It's as if everyone I knew back home just decided to pack up and leave on a trip and left me running for the bus with dust clouds all around me. It's probably my fault. I let go of the person that had me connected to that world and now I don't feel quite at home with everyone. I feel the awkwardness in the hugs. I notice the stares. I tried to deny it, but it was so clear when I put myself out there. I want so desperately to feel at ease when I sit in that group of friends who, not so long ago, I laughed and joked with comfortably.
But it won't happen.. at least not for a long while.
So here I am. 10pm on a Wednesday night feeling alone, lost, and slightly hopeless. I've felt this mix of feelings several nights before, more often in the past month than any other time in my life. And now, I've finally had time to think about that decision I made a little over a month now.
I've accepted it as the best choice.
I've thought about it.
I've cried my tears.
I've doubted it.
I've regretted it.
And then I've accepted it again.
On goes the cycle..
I keep writing these letters and they never get sent, but they all have the same message:
I'm sorry. You deserve better.
But at least you have a great support group around you. That I'm happy for, even if I have to sacrifice what I had with them and accept the awkwardness. If I have to spend my whole summer under a rock I will. That's all it feels like now anyways. Enjoy your summer. You deserve it without me having to come into your life and making things awkward because let's just admit it. It is.
I just wish I could talk to someone like I used to with you. But there's no one quite like you.
I've changed. And now I'm just waiting for that next big dip in this rollercoaster I'm on.
Currently listening to:
Asian. Out.
School is finally over and thus ends my freshman year of college. There have been so many ups and downs this past year, but I'm glad that I've met the people that I have. 201 Sac.. You guys are my family. Thank you for always being there for me whether I was sad or happy or just plain crazy. Without you guys as my moral support, I would be nothing but a pile of pathetic and miserable body matter. You guys don't even know how much your friendship and love have gotten me through some of the toughest moments this year. So I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait for the memories we will continue to make throughout our lives :)
Overall, my academics were much better than last quarter with the exception of my chemistry grade. Everything else was actually pretty good, so I'm satisfied with that. Unfortunately, summer school awaits me this August, but hey, that's what I get for not trying hard enough to understand the material.
So, on another note, today was an okay day. But everyday has been an okay day for me so far.
Except today, I feel very much alone. It's as if everyone I knew back home just decided to pack up and leave on a trip and left me running for the bus with dust clouds all around me. It's probably my fault. I let go of the person that had me connected to that world and now I don't feel quite at home with everyone. I feel the awkwardness in the hugs. I notice the stares. I tried to deny it, but it was so clear when I put myself out there. I want so desperately to feel at ease when I sit in that group of friends who, not so long ago, I laughed and joked with comfortably.
But it won't happen.. at least not for a long while.
So here I am. 10pm on a Wednesday night feeling alone, lost, and slightly hopeless. I've felt this mix of feelings several nights before, more often in the past month than any other time in my life. And now, I've finally had time to think about that decision I made a little over a month now.
I've accepted it as the best choice.
I've thought about it.
I've cried my tears.
I've doubted it.
I've regretted it.
And then I've accepted it again.
On goes the cycle..
I keep writing these letters and they never get sent, but they all have the same message:
I'm sorry. You deserve better.
But at least you have a great support group around you. That I'm happy for, even if I have to sacrifice what I had with them and accept the awkwardness. If I have to spend my whole summer under a rock I will. That's all it feels like now anyways. Enjoy your summer. You deserve it without me having to come into your life and making things awkward because let's just admit it. It is.
I just wish I could talk to someone like I used to with you. But there's no one quite like you.
I've changed. And now I'm just waiting for that next big dip in this rollercoaster I'm on.
Currently listening to:
Asian. Out.
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