We Change, We Wait

I'm back.

School is finally over and thus ends my freshman year of college. There have been so many ups and downs this past year, but I'm glad that I've met the people that I have. 201 Sac.. You guys are my family. Thank you for always being there for me whether I was sad or happy or just plain crazy. Without you guys as my moral support, I would be nothing but a pile of pathetic and miserable body matter. You guys don't even know how much your friendship and love have gotten me through some of the toughest moments this year. So I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait for the memories we will continue to make throughout our lives :)

Overall, my academics were much better than last quarter with the exception of my chemistry grade. Everything else was actually pretty good, so I'm satisfied with that. Unfortunately, summer school awaits me this August, but hey, that's what I get for not trying hard enough to understand the material.


So, on another note, today was an okay day. But everyday has been an okay day for me so far.
Except today, I feel very much alone. It's as if everyone I knew back home just decided to pack up and leave on a trip and left me running for the bus with dust clouds all around me. It's probably my fault. I let go of the person that had me connected to that world and now I don't feel quite at home with everyone. I feel the awkwardness in the hugs. I notice the stares. I tried to deny it, but it was so clear when I put myself out there. I want so desperately to feel at ease when I sit in that group of friends who, not so long ago, I laughed and joked with comfortably.

But it won't happen.. at least not for a long while.

So here I am. 10pm on a Wednesday night feeling alone, lost, and slightly hopeless. I've felt this mix of feelings several nights before, more often in the past month than any other time in my life. And now, I've finally had time to think about that decision I made a little over a month now.

I've accepted it as the best choice.
I've thought about it.
I've cried my tears.
I've doubted it.
I've regretted it.
And then I've accepted it again.

On goes the cycle..

I keep writing these letters and they never get sent, but they all have the same message:
I'm sorry. You deserve better.

But at least you have a great support group around you. That I'm happy for, even if I have to sacrifice what I had with them and accept the awkwardness. If I have to spend my whole summer under a rock I will. That's all it feels like now anyways. Enjoy your summer. You deserve it without me having to come into your life and making things awkward because let's just admit it. It is.
I just wish I could talk to someone like I used to with you. But there's no one quite like you.

I've changed. And now I'm just waiting for that next big dip in this rollercoaster I'm on.

Currently listening to:


Asian. Out.