Crying Won't Help You Now

Crying Won't Help You Now - Ben Harper

I'm having one of those days/weeks where I've been hit with so many emotions at once I don't know what to feel.

I want to cry and I know it will make me feel better.. but I don't know what to cry about.

ASIAN. OUT.

Over My Head

Current status: Sleepy
Current mood: Frustrated
Current thought: I'm in over my head.. slow down...
Current craving: Cookies N' Creme
Current Favorite Smallville Episode: Hidden, Season 5


Currently Listening To:


CURRENT TIME: Bed time.

ASIAN.OUT. <3

Now or Never

I love you.
I don't ever want to live without you.
You changed my life.

Please, Don't Forget.




Grey's Anatomy makes me reflective and sad :(


ASIAN. OUT.

Things A Mama Don't Know

Things A Mama Don't Know - Mica Roberts

So I title my blogs after songs.. This one happens to be a country song, but I still like it.

I wanted to blog for Mother's Day because I think my mom is smokin' cool. Despite all the angry teenage bouts I've had with her throughout the past couple of years, I know she's going to love me no matter what I do. And I will love my mom with my whole heart, broken or happily whole, every day of my life. She's taught me about life, love, and myself. I'm grateful to have such a beautiful and strong mother.

I remember when my first day of preschool.. I was four. My mom took me to some foreign building and I was so scared, but I felt safe with her. When it came time for her to leave.. I didn't let go. I was one of those kids who had separation anxiety. Everyday my mom would stay with me for ten or fifteen minutes before she said that she had to go to the bathroom or something. She'd leave and I would cry and nap and cry some more. In those ten or fifteen minutes she stayed with me, I remember being so happy and safe. And even though she lied to me and left.. I still ran into her arms when she got home every night from work. Talk about unconditional love :D By the way.. I only went to pre school for four days :P

When I came to UCI, my mom and dad came with me to help me move in all my stuff. It was a lot like preschool all over again, except I wasn't attached physically to my mom this time around (and I've stayed longer than four days). When they got into the car and drove away, that's when I felt a little less safe and scared for awhile. But if my mom taught me anything, its how to be strong in times where I feel helpless and alone.

That's what I've tried to remember these days when I've been feeling helpless about all the things going on around me. So far it's helped me pull through.

So thanks Mommy..
For everything you've done and continue to do.
For loving me despite my obvious flaws and teenage angst.

Happy Mother's Day!


ASIAN. OUT.

"A Boring Evening At Home"

YouTube won't let me embed but..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zn-fPM4KS0

Inspirational and moving.
I think I'll be watching the documentary soon.

I posted it because I missed home. I'm lame, I know. I didn't go home for a week.. boo hoo.
I come home at least two times a week, but I really enjoy just talking to my brothers, sister, and my parents. I feel like they're the only people who really get me sometimes. My little brother is the only one who will laugh at dumb things with me. My sister is the one person who will put up with all my ramblings about nothing. I can only talk about dorky superman/comic stuff with my older brother. And I like to tell my parents about what's going on in my life, because I know that they'll have tons of advice for me when I'm done babbling.. especially from my dad :P

Speaking of my dad and his advice.. we had a conversation while ago about just setting time aside for yourself to, well.. enjoy a boring evening at home.

I find that sometimes people are so consumed in their lives and so busy with trying to accomplish what their supposed to in order to be successful that they forget to take a moment, an hour, or a day to just appreciate and enjoy what is their life.
I've definitely been guilty of this on several occasions. I feel like I need to do things constantly or else I'm wasting my time in this world. So I pile up my to do list. I try to make more friends. I surround myself with busy work to avoid that awkward silence with myself when I've discovered there's nothing left to do.. And when that happens, I label it "boredom." Boredom has such a negative connotation to me.. I get restless and angry when I can't find something to do, but after the conversation with my dad, I'm starting to think its not such a bad thing to be still and alone for awhile. And not just being alone, because I've done that before when people annoy me and I want to be away from them, but being reflective in that moment of stillness and peace.
I'd like to have a day where I can simply be immersed in my life, soak in the beauty around me, begin to discover who I really am, and what my role in this world will be. Maybe I sound naive.. because we all live different lives (some of us have very little to appreciate) and you cant just simply turn away from all your responsibilities, but I think it's a responsibility to take time to understand yourself, your values, and your morals. How else can you understand others if you can't distinguish who you are in your own life? How can you connect to the people you love when you can't find a connection with yourself? Can you understand love without ever once in your life having love for yourself?

My mind is everywhere right now.

Ramblings to avoid my research paper... oh joy! Back to work :P

ASIAN. OUT.

Snow Globes

Today I went to Target with my lovely friends.
I saw Mother's Day snow globes on a rack.
I discovered that they also had music boxes at the bottom of the globe.
I proceeded to turn it on and listen to the pretty music it made.
As I set it down.. I decided to set all of them off at once.
It was horrible, but beautiful at the same time.
I laughed.

It's nice to feel something other than just empty like I have for these past couple of days.

Someone told me my actions were selfish. I've been thinking about that statement for awhile. Maybe I made a mistake. I was so sure of what I wanted in that moment.

I don't know anymore, but I know that I'm tired right now.. and that I love being with the people who can make my broken heart smile.. especially now when I'm having a hard time putting the pieces back together.

Thanks for today.

ASIAN. OUT.

Emotion

I wish I wasn't so emotionally challenged.




At least then I would be able to feel my heart breaking.